Doubt and Faith: Doubting Faith

It’s no secret that I haven’t written in a while. I’ll probably inundate this blog with posts, but until then let me just update you as best as I can.

He’s not going to make it

Those are terrifying words, whether you hear them being said to you, or to someone else. Unfortunately, those words were being said to me, as I was traveling further and further away from one of my best friends who “wasn’t going to make it”. The shock was too much to handle, too much to the point where I just started sobbing in my seat the whole way to NCstate with all of the Marching Chiefs staring at me as if I was being attacked by the devil. I won’t go into details, I can’t go into details, but all you need to know is that I’ve never doubted God or put my whole trust in God as much as I did in that one weekend and in the two weeks following.

The shortened version? Girl has best friend. Best friend gets head injury. Best friend’s mutual friend calls girl and tells her and updates her as she travels further and further away from her best friend while one of the updates is “he’s not going to make it”. Along the way, girl gets email through wifi while in a cellular dead zone from social worker saying “let us know how we can assist you in this tragic time”. Girl thinks the worst, naturally, and goes on for two hours thinking that her best friend has passed away.She soon finds out that he is still alive, however in a very bad condition, in strong need of prayer. Girl feels useless being far away. In the two weeks to follow, girl receives updates on best friends condition via phone, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

I was the girl, obviously. It was a trying time, and the nature of the situation didn’t help either, because to this day I have to be discrete about disclosing details and what not. I needed a support system, but I couldn’t reach out to have one. Knowing my luck, I would get a cyst in a very uncomfortable spot (rhymes with froin). Simultaneously within the two weeks, I was in and out of urgent care, popping as many pain killers as I could, skipping class, sobbing in bed, and thinking about how no matter how much pain and discomfort I was in, none of it compared to the pain and discomfort my best friend was in.

I was in a state that didn’t allow me to walk or really move at all, so going to navigators or church was out of the question. If you know me at all, you know that going to church or navigators is the highlight of my week; not being able to go put me in a downward spiral, and I felt like God just wasn’t there. On one hand, I was reading updates that spoke about healing, and on the other I was reading updates that spoke about worsening conditions. I found myself questioning it all. I wanted nothing more than to be at my best friend’s bedside praying for him, to be going to church and navigators to receive some support and comfort and guidance. But there I was, laying in bed, motionless, praying to a God who I felt couldn’t hear me.

Are you even listening?!

I lashed out, crying, blood on the floor, crouched on my knees, blurred vision, fumbling for my phone trying to call for help when suddenly my eyes opened. Yet they had been open the whole time. The blackness I was seeing with open eyes disappeared and turned clear, and I felt a peace.For a moment my pain was gone, my worry and heartache vanished.

I know you’re wondering, my best friend is doing much better. He’s in rehab two hours away from me and he’s awake and eating soft foods. I’ll probably visit him in a few days when my stressful situations die down.

I doubted God, I’ll admit it. But in those moments of doubt, I was clinging onto every bit of hope there was, trying to find the answers. Screaming out His name, sobbing, praying for healing. There is power in prayer, in the name of Jesus. I’ve seen it, I’ve now experienced it, and it’s a beautiful thing.

I’m starting a prayer journal, and I’m really excited about it. So if any of y’all have prayers, please please please share them with me! There is such power in prayer, and there is such peace and comfort that comes from prayer as well.

I’m trying to find the silver linings, and trying not to sink under all the work and pressure and stress, but I’m surviving and I have grace, and that’s all that matters.



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